Cinco de Mayo, 5th of May, is a day the French will like for all of us to forget because it is a day when they got their hides handed to them by a small band of soldiers led by General Ignacio (Igzee) Zaragoza.

In the year 1862, Emperor Napoleon III (Pissplusdoo) ordered his general, Charles (Cholly) de Lorencez, to take over the capital of Mexico. The “good” general got 6,000 men together and headed towards the capital from Veracruz. Everything was going peachy, at first! They were stealing and killing and killing and stealing.

    “How’s it going?!”

    “Great!”

Thinking that everything was as sunny as the sky over a white sandy island beach, Pissplusdoo began planning all the things he was going to do with his new playground. French flags, French wigs and rags, French boots and suits, and French fries would be everywhere! Little did Pissplusdoo know, his “good general” and the 6,000 men he had gathered would run into a snag in Puebla de Los Angeles.

Lying in wait was Igzee and the 2,000 Native Americans and Creoles he had gathered by his side. So y’all know that when Cholly saw Igzee and his gang he most likely said, “Ha, our 3 to 1 advantage says we'll take them!  FORWARD!” 

    “Take that! Give me that eye! Give me that liver! Hey wait, wait,
      no fair! That’s my arm! Hey, my toe! What are you doing with my
      nose! Fire!”

Igzee’s rag tag group sent Cholly's army running for the hills and the oceans!

The reason Pissplusdoo put Cholly and his men in that position to be embarrassed by a band of misfits is due to Pissplusdoo’s attempt at teaching Mexico a lesson about defaulting on money due to Pissplusdoo.

France, Britain, and Spain had loan Mexico money over the years. Mexico was doing good with paying the money back, but then in 1857 a civil war broke out between Benito (Benny) Juarez's Liberal gents and Felix (Itchy Zu Zu) Zuloaga’s conservative fellas. Itchy Zu Zu and his crew had every block in Mexico City, while Benny and his crew had Veracruz on lock.

The Bachelor, President James Buchanan, told Itchy Zu Zu to kick rocks because the U.S. is down with Benny’s gang.

The Bachelor was like to Benny, “Yeah, we’ll give you the money to give to the Frenchies, Brits, and Spaniards if you agree to give us Baja California and some other states that we want as payment in the event that you don’t pay us our money. Cool?!”

    Benny was like, “Not cool!”

    And then The Bachelor was like, “What about a treaty?!”

    And Benny was like, “Treaty, cool!”

The U.S. Congress said that the treaty idea wasn’t cool because the country needed the money to fight its own civil war in order to help the cotton pickin’ South be “Gone with the Wind.”

Although the treaty didn’t go through, Benny remain cool with the U.S. ; specifically, the good side, the Union side.

Due to Benny not having any other source to get the gold and silver he needed to pay the Frenchies, the Brits, and the Spaniards, Mexico ended up defaulting on its loans.

In in the year 1861, on Halloween, the three Europeans met and decided they better go over to the “New World” to get their money. After getting there, the Brits and Spaniards realized that the Frenchies wanted to do like Pinky and the Brain and take over the world. Not wanting to spread their gold and silver too thin on world domination, the Brits and Spaniards got a side deal with Mexico and then headed back on across that water.

Slobbing at the opportunity to be like his uncle “The” Napoleon, PissPlusDoo took over Mexico City and made a dude named Maximillian, who was the Archduke of Austria, the Emperor of Mexico.

The U.S. was like, “That’s some ol’ bull, man!” ABL, President Abraham Lincoln, made it clear to Pissplusdoo that the U.S.’ hanging out on the sidelines was due to the whuppin’ the country had to give those cotton pickers. But as soon as they were done giving the cotton pickers their whuppin’, the U.S. would help Benny and them to give Pissplusdoo his whuppin’ that he had been beggin’ for.
And sure enough, after the U.S.’ civil war ended, the U.S. helped Mexico to straighten out Pissplusdoo.

The Emperor of Mexico dude was killed, Benny became the President of Mexico, and Pissplusdoo was force to tuck his tail in and run back to France where they refuse to lick his self-inflicted wounds.